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Leo Tolstoy's wife finds his grocery list on the kitchen table: "Bread—but what is bread, truly? Is it not the labor of the peasant, the sweat of the earth, the very soul of Russia ground between millstones of fate? Also milk. The milk reminds me of my childhood, of Masha, of mortality, of the infinite sadness of existence. Perhaps cheese. All happy families buy the same cheese; every unhappy family forgets to buy cheese in its own way. Eggs (6). Actually, make it a dozen, for who among us can predict the needs of tomorrow? War may come. Or peace. Or both." His wife sighs and writes underneath: "Just get eggs."

Leo Tolstoy starts a family group chat. After three days, his wife Anna messages: 'Leo, please stop. You've written 847 messages just to say you're running late for dinner. We don't need the backstory of every person you passed on the street, their childhood traumas, and philosophical reflections on the nature of punctuality.' Tolstoy replies: 'But you haven't heard about the cabman's horse yet—his name was Kholstomer, and his story begins in 1856...'

A publisher traveled back in time to offer Leo Tolstoy a modern book deal. 'We love War and Peace,' the publisher said, 'but our readers prefer shorter content. Could you cut it down to about 280 characters?' Tolstoy stroked his beard thoughtfully and replied: 'War happened. Peace followed. Everyone died eventually anyway. The end.' The publisher nodded enthusiastically: 'Perfect! Now can you add a love triangle with vampires?'