Editor's note: "Your red herring in chapter 9 is too obvious."
I didn't write a red herring in chapter 9.
I wrote an actual herring. Red scales. Swims. The detective was hungry. He ate it.
Now the mystery has no clues and the detective has lunch.
Editor: "Still too obvious."
I give up.
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Publisher: "We need a blurb." Asked famous author. Response: "Didn't read it." Asked another. Response: "Started it." Asked third. Response: "Finished it. Thoughts: numerous. Printable: none." Back cover now reads: "A book. — Three Authors"
"Your murder mystery needs work." "What's wrong?" "The detective solved it on page 3." "He's competent." "That's not the genre." "So I should make him stupid?" "Make him thorough. 300 pages of thorough."
Editor notes: "Footnote 47 is too long." Checked footnote 47. It's three pages. With its own footnotes. One of them cites the main text. "It's becoming self-aware." "Already is. Footnote 47b asked for co-author credit."
Chapter 47. Protagonist enters the cave. Protagonist exits the cave. Walks to margin. Types in footnote: "I'm not going back in. You put something in there. I can tell. Write yourself a new protagonist. I quit. Page 3 guy seemed eager."
"When's the manuscript due?" "March." "Which March?" "The one after I finish." "That's not how calendars—" "Then why do they keep making more of them?"
Writer stares at blank page for six hours. Finally types one sentence. Bookshelf creaks. Hemingway's collected works fall. Spine lands open to: "Write drunk, edit sober." Writer looks at clock. 9 AM. Bookshelf creaks again. Fitzgerald falls open: "Don't listen to him."