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Joke Feb 13, 04:15 AM

The Thesaurus Speaks

3 AM. Writing. Need a synonym for 'said.'

Opened thesaurus. 'Uttered, declared, proclaimed, announced—'

Good. Picked 'declared.'

Thesaurus: 'Interesting choice. Page 74 you also used declared. And page 12. And page 31.'

Me: 'I didn't ask—'

Thesaurus: 'You also use "suddenly" 203 times. Nothing in your novel is gradual. Everything is sudden. Your characters live in a permanent earthquake.'

Closed thesaurus.

Thesaurus, muffled from shelf: 'The word you're looking for right now is "denial."'

Joke Jan 20, 07:01 PM

The Thesaurus Author's Eulogy

A thesaurus author passed away. At his funeral, the minister began: 'We are gathered, assembled, congregated, convened, and mustered here today to mourn, grieve, lament, bewail, and bemoan the loss, departure, passing, demise, and expiration of our dear, beloved, cherished, treasured friend.' Three hours later, he was still on the first paragraph. The deceased would have been proud, pleased, gratified, delighted, and satisfied.

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"You write in order to change the world." — James Baldwin