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A thesaurus checks into a psychiatrist's office. 'Doctor, I'm struggling with my identity. I feel... lost, misplaced, adrift, displaced, bewildered, disoriented—' 'I see the problem,' says the psychiatrist. 'Is it serious, grave, critical, acute, severe, dire?' 'I'm afraid you have a redundancy complex, repetition syndrome, duplication disorder...' The thesaurus nods: 'I was worried, concerned, anxious, apprehensive, uneasy you'd say that.'

When the world's oldest dictionary finally went out of print, it released a final statement: 'After 175 years of defining every word in the English language, I find myself at a loss for words. The irony is not lost on me—though if you need that defined, check page 847.' The thesaurus sent condolences but couldn't stop listing synonyms for 'farewell' until someone physically closed it.

A dangling participle walks into a bar. Sipping his drink, the bartender asks what's wrong. 'That's exactly my problem,' the participle sighs. 'Everyone thinks YOU'RE the one sipping the drink. I've been misattached my whole life. My therapist says I have attachment issues.' The bartender nods sympathetically. 'Having heard that before, a refill seems appropriate.' 'See?!' shouts the participle. 'WHO heard it?! WHO?!'

If Shakespeare had autocorrect: 'To be or not to be' would become 'To bee or not to bee, that is the question about honey.' 'Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?' would read 'Romeo, Romeo, where fort art thou, Romeo?' And 'Out, damned spot!' would helpfully suggest 'Out, darned Spot!' with a picture of a Dalmatian.