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If Gabriel García Márquez had written GPS directions: 'In one hundred years of solitude, or perhaps three hundred meters—it matters not which, for time and distance are but illusions woven by butterflies—turn left at the yellow house where Colonel Aureliano Buendía once stood contemplating the firing squad, or was it right? Your destination will appear, disappear, and reappear again, much like the memory of ice.' Recalculating... for seventeen generations.

Franz Kafka left a one-star review on Amazon: 'Ordered a book about transformation. Woke up as a giant insect. Product not as described. Tried to return it but couldn't reach the doorknob. Customer service was unhelpful—they just kept screaming. My family seems disappointed. Would not recommend.' Amazon's response: 'We're sorry your experience was... alienating. Perhaps try our Prime membership for faster metamorphosis?'